From ‘Stuff White People Like’ (please substitute ‘Hipster’ for ‘White people’. Thanks.)…
“Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.
On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.
Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.
A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.”
I just wanted to send a reminder about the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade in Ocean View this Saturday March 17th.
That is the day when Ocean View gets flooded with Hipsters showing off their green fashion sense.
The parade starts at 10am and you can get the Parade Flyer here.If you go to the parade and take any good pictures of our local hipster scene, send them to HipsterApproved and it may get posted!
This ad for some hipster’s bike is hilarious!
Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters – $180 (Bywater)
I am selling my Vista Carrera 7 road bike. Perfect for the aspiring culture creator. I have recently become a Successful Entrepreneur and I no longer have the need for such trifling possessions. I drive a gigantic cargo van that literally pisses gas onto the road to mark its territory.
Do you want to be noticed? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Sleeve tattoo didn’t do the trick? Dubstep bounce remix didn’t go viral? Look no further than this bike. Don’t even look past it in the pictures posted below. Import it into Photoshop and delete the background. I know you know how to do it, because you’re a graphic designer.
Orange body. Green accents. Pink handlebar wrap. Some silver. Black. Dirt. Are there even any more colors? There are awesome reflective stickers on the bike, too, which makes darting out in front of automobiles on dark evenings and asserting one’s absolute and total right of way even more self-righteously awesome. Dear motorist: Did you not see the stickers. Do you think I have time to just put stickers on things. I’m trying to save the world from people like you.
Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:
1. An Obama rally
2. A Ron Paul rally
The possibilities are endless.
This bike will get you laid. If you ride this bike around Audobon Park at 1 in the morning without pants on, dudes will literally knock you off of your bike to try to blow you.
This bike is a freewheel fixed gear, because you’re a fucking monster and you have one speed, and that speed is +/- 15mph.
A seat comes with the bike, but is not pictured. If you want, you can ride the bike without the seat to simulate the stick you have up your ass about which Pavement album is best, which political cause that matters to you most intermittently, or about whatever it is that you “do.”
This bike is Japanese and comes with four distinct safety features:
Safety Feature #1: front brakes only. Because you’re not about to conform to anyone’s preconceived notions of how a bike should stop.
Safety Feature #2: Quick release back wheel. I took this bike to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine to get a tune up once, and he refused to work on it because of this Safety Feature. He said it was a “Frankenstein bike.” I asked him if he didn’t agree that Frankenstein was a literary masterpiece. I thought that after losing that argument he might be a gentleman and agree to tune up the bike for free, but he remained all pissy and still refused to work on it, even for money.
The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn’t fit my bike’s tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn’t blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don’t know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don’t know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It’s all just part of the job.
Safety Feature #3: Helmet. That’s my helmet. You can ride in a painter’s cap and pretend to be smart at the same time, but you’re not fooling anyone.
Safety Feature #4: Welding fix at seat joint. When this joint came loose, the bike was deemed horribly unsafe. When I welded it back together, it became safe again, therefore: safety feature. It’s supersturdy now; I welded it to fuck and back. I painted the welding joint green because I was feeling creative and I don’t have to explain my art to anyone.
Safety Feature #5: Apparently this bike has really nice rims. I am listing this under Safety Features because I feel that less-nice rims would probably make the bike marginally less safe.
Safety Feature #6: Earthquake proof.
$180 or best offer. Cash is fine. Your parents can PayPal me directly. Or see below:
I’m totally into creative trades (this part is actually serious). Musical instruments (serious – esp synths and pedals); original art (serious); US Currency (for srsly); leisure suits (I’m 6’1”, 180, with long arms and broad shoulders. Let’s stick with dark colors – I’m kind of pale and I don’t like to look washed out); real estate/underwater mortgages (4realz dogg); antique firearms (I promise I won’t trade you the bike and then shoot you with what was previously your firearm in order to steal my bike back and sell it again, although wouldn’t that be ironic, or would it, I don’t know, we use the word incorrectly so often that I’m not sure it matters); casual sex. Show me what you got.
Here’s what last.fm had to say about them…
The Shoes are an electro duo from Reims, France and you could say they are France’s answer to Calvin Harris. They feature Guillaume and Benalways. Debut album ‘Crack My Bones’ is due on March 7th on Southern Fried and features a number of guest appearances including Esser, CocknBullKid and Wave Machines. They’re certainly well connected having produced a couple of tracks for Shakira’s new album and remixed the likes of Ladyhawke, Marina and the Diamonds and Golden Silvers.
The Shins new line-up were great on Saturday Night Live last night.
This just in…iTunes is letting you listen to the entire album for free…
From now until March 20, stream Port of Morrow for free. Anchored by the propulsive, harmony-heavy ‘Simple Song,’ The Shins’ fourth album showcases the kind of finely tuned songwriting strengths and ’60s-era arrangements that make the music of James Mercer so compelling. You can also pre-order the new album.
Just got done reading this huge book Chunklet presents The Overrated Book. Took me a while. It says this book weighs two pounds! It’s about 205 pages. This book is hilarious and not only would hipsters like this, but also rockers, punks, emos, as well as film geeks. Pretty much all music fans.
I’m not sure how I found out about this book, and I’ve never heard of the magazine, Chunklet, out of Athens, Georgia until I found this book. From what I understand, this is a collection of stories that have appeared in the magazine in the past. So it’s all new to me… And I plan on reading their other books as well.
When doing a search about this book, I came across these videos made by Henry that are awesome! They are about taking a group of Boy Scouts to the ‘hip SXSW Fest to obtain their ‘Rock ‘N Roll Merit Badge’. Check them out…
The audio in the 3rd video is messed up, but you still get the idea.